"Divorces are very high in love marriages", says the Bombay high court.
Wondered why love marriages don't work? In all honesty, I always thought that love marriages would work more than arranged marriages. I was surprised to hear this. But then I started to look around closely. I found a few possible answers.
We are a family oriented traditional community/society. I really like that I have been brought up in one. But, secretly all of us desire the feeling of falling in love. It is glorified in our minds through all the Bollywood movies. What we know about love is - from what we see around us. Our lives are surrounded by our families, relatives, their friends, etc. Think about it.. do you think our parents also choose who our friends are? If your parents did not like someone we are friends with? Does it affect your friendship with that individual? Think about something that had happened earlier.. what really happened?
When we fall in love.. it is always hidden and a secret. Atl least in our culture (Indian). We are not under the influence of our parents, friends, culture, caste, etc. While in love, we are willing to stretch out as much as we can for the other person to woo them and make them love us back. We don't really care. All in good time, we are not really looking at other external factors that can come in the picture. The moment marriage comes in the picture.. our families, society, culture, and conditioning all comes flashing in front of us. Now we realize that our love story now looks like a piece of a puzzle which does not fit. Parents will object, neighbours will gossip, and society will say "This marriage will not last. Have you seen the girl? She is too modern. She will break the family." When all these views are thrown at you and your family what will you really do? What did you do when your parents did not approve of a friend of yours? What you did then will probably say a lot about what you will do here too. Some understand the dynamics beforehand and will tell their lovers that they don't see this working out. You don't really fit in the puzzle. These relationships never convert into marriage. While some other will go against the family or convince them and marry their lover. In India, most of us live in joint families and we really care about what our parents think. Subconsciously we expect that our partner will now adjust and fit in your family the way it would have been in an arranged marriage set-up. Your partner, who comes from completely different background does not know much about your culture, family traditions, and values. She is still in love and does not see that her lack of knowledge will affect the love they had as a couple. She is now expected to take up all the responsibilities from your mother's hands and do a stellar job as she - after having gained about 3 decades of training. Or she is not allowed to work or she needs to dress in a certain way. She is not sure if she should give-in or strive for a change. Here, she needs to understand what her partner's stand is. She married you because she believed you will be by her side. So, where are you now? What side are you choosing? You probably chose her side and she was happy but your mother probably is not. You begin to feel guilty for disappointing your parents and somewhere you think your spouse is responsible for this and is not good enough.
Wondered why love marriages don't work? In all honesty, I always thought that love marriages would work more than arranged marriages. I was surprised to hear this. But then I started to look around closely. I found a few possible answers.
We are a family oriented traditional community/society. I really like that I have been brought up in one. But, secretly all of us desire the feeling of falling in love. It is glorified in our minds through all the Bollywood movies. What we know about love is - from what we see around us. Our lives are surrounded by our families, relatives, their friends, etc. Think about it.. do you think our parents also choose who our friends are? If your parents did not like someone we are friends with? Does it affect your friendship with that individual? Think about something that had happened earlier.. what really happened?
When we fall in love.. it is always hidden and a secret. Atl least in our culture (Indian). We are not under the influence of our parents, friends, culture, caste, etc. While in love, we are willing to stretch out as much as we can for the other person to woo them and make them love us back. We don't really care. All in good time, we are not really looking at other external factors that can come in the picture. The moment marriage comes in the picture.. our families, society, culture, and conditioning all comes flashing in front of us. Now we realize that our love story now looks like a piece of a puzzle which does not fit. Parents will object, neighbours will gossip, and society will say "This marriage will not last. Have you seen the girl? She is too modern. She will break the family." When all these views are thrown at you and your family what will you really do? What did you do when your parents did not approve of a friend of yours? What you did then will probably say a lot about what you will do here too. Some understand the dynamics beforehand and will tell their lovers that they don't see this working out. You don't really fit in the puzzle. These relationships never convert into marriage. While some other will go against the family or convince them and marry their lover. In India, most of us live in joint families and we really care about what our parents think. Subconsciously we expect that our partner will now adjust and fit in your family the way it would have been in an arranged marriage set-up. Your partner, who comes from completely different background does not know much about your culture, family traditions, and values. She is still in love and does not see that her lack of knowledge will affect the love they had as a couple. She is now expected to take up all the responsibilities from your mother's hands and do a stellar job as she - after having gained about 3 decades of training. Or she is not allowed to work or she needs to dress in a certain way. She is not sure if she should give-in or strive for a change. Here, she needs to understand what her partner's stand is. She married you because she believed you will be by her side. So, where are you now? What side are you choosing? You probably chose her side and she was happy but your mother probably is not. You begin to feel guilty for disappointing your parents and somewhere you think your spouse is responsible for this and is not good enough.
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