A Party with Not-A-Party Animal

I was at a friend's party recently. The party was not really for a particular occasion but it had some reason. Oh yes, it was a weekend! I had said no too many times earlier to my friend's invites that I could not say a no this time. I went there and was surrounded mostly by people I did not know. It felt strange and awkward. Everyone one else was pally - It was certain they knew each other. They all belonged to my age group.

At the outset, everyone looked friendly, and nice. However, I realized I was still uncomfortable. I was not able to make conversations with people - basically I did not know what to speak to them about - I had such a strong feeling that we have nothing in common. I was in two worlds parallelly. I was spaced out in my own thoughts and the moment that struck me I tried making small conversations with people around. I felt old in spirit. Although I am slightly shy by nature, about 5 years ago I would have reacted in a opposite way.

Anyway, so the party began. People kept pouring in. I realized that more than half the people did not know more than one person there.I was surprised to see people from various ethnicity around. Slowly people started meeting and talking to other people.  Simultaneously, whisky and vodkas were poring and EDM was catching up. I knew this party was really not my thing.. for me parties and celebrations are about being with your loved ones. I know it sounds so boring but that makes me comfortable. 

This blog is just about the observations I made there. There was something off about this party, in spirit. Like things there were happening for the  heck of it. No one was celebrating but was just there trying hard to do all the things that define a party without really meaning it. As more bottles were emptied the wilderness in the party enhanced. The only action that was happening was passing of drinks. Before you finished one the other was ready. It felt like the common language of all people who did not even speak the same language. Besides, the regular stuff - guys hitting on girls, making moves, etc was of course running in the background. This did seem normal. However, there were other things happening in the background that seemed normal too but they should have not been.

Women who were being hit-on by the men enjoyed the attention but did not like the proximity. Nonetheless, the smile on her face did not wither. The smile was a constant - whether she liked what was happening around her or not. She did not express her discomfort but instead layered it with a smile. Yes, that could be her choice also and that is exactly what I thought it was, until she not pull my hand to divert that man's attention from her to me. I wondered why she did not walk away or talk him off. I probably would do that. I pretty much had a dead mood - which meant I was bored to death and had also given up hope that it was going to get better. The man still approached her and she was still smiling. I went back. Further, in the background, people drank to a point that their inhibitions started becoming rants. One man spoke about how his mother still hits him but that he has an excellent rapport with his father. Their best father-son time is when they discuss alcohol and buy the best brands for each other. He looked at that as a compensation. Well, that is sweet! 

No one was really dancing, conversing, networking, or even drinking. It did not look like fun to me. To me it looked like a facade and a vent out. It was an opportunity to make yourself so vulnerable that one need not apologize. It was all a lie. In the end, people drunk-fought, abused friends, and said this is what true friends are for. Things were normalizing again. 

The party was over (after it felt like an eternity) I was glad I was going to be home soon. The moral of the story is that I realized I am not a party animal. Of course, there is no going back.

What Makes YOU Happy? (a personal account)

I am changing. Changing everyday. Existential questions have always occupied a considerable space in my mind. The questions like - Why are we here? What is right and wrong? Why do we feel so much pain? How can we be happy? are always sub-consciously playing on my mind.

I see that my answers to these questions have changed and evolved over time ans are still evolving. From answers like "it's god's will", to arguments like 'being a particle of god', to 'no god', to mere consciousness, and to the fact that some things are beyond our understanding. Knowing 'this' without replacing it with any other prophecies that does not agree with me is empowering. Although it is unsettling at times. My questions and answers prompt many of the decisions I take. Sometimes, I also choose to go against them. Just to remind myself to not become something I myself despise. To remind myself that maybe nothing is really right or wrong. Things just are! There is no one way to reach where you want to reach. There is no one religion, dharma, caste, or belief that can guide you to the answers or the pathway to reach your ultimate goal, except - that change is the only constant.

Many say - "all these thoughts come when you live alone - when you spend time with yourself. One must not think much. It is a waste of time. These thoughts and questions can leave you astray." I agree with them to an extent. Many of us only end up thinking and not really live in the process. However, I do believe that one must find time, and the frame of mind to be able to question things around and in the process find themselves. Also, this is not a one day process.. it may take days, months, or even years but it is worthwhile. It is worthwhile because this gives you the opportunity to be yourself, to know yourself. It helps you do things you love, meet the sort of people you like and live a life that suits your personal motivations and aims. Also, not everyone has the liberty or the fortune to be able to this or even think like this but those who can - world is your oyster.

It is very important for everyone to question - even if the answers are different - all of them. It gives us different perspectives and also teaches us to be tolerant of each other. Besides, you know it is choice you are making and that you do have the right to make one. If there is one quality I appreciate in people  - it is honesty. When they say and know they are selfish and that it makes them happy. When people say "I don't love you anymore", when people say "I need alone time", when people confess "I am not straight", or anything else. I love it that they have the courage to respect their own feelings and that they can stand for themselves. I am glad they don't put up a facade. I love that there are people who can love themselves for those are the people who can truly love others.

It is important to know what makes one happy. This shapes your priorities and also enables you to make decisions that are going to make you happy. Thus, question! I am still finding my answers but I know my journey has begun.

Lesson on happiness from my chai wala :)

Some days are good and some days are bad - for all of us. These up and down swings leave us with moods ranging between elation and depression. BUT, there are some people around you who always look happy, like they do  not know what problems really are.

One such person I know is my chai wala. He serves me chai everyday in the morning and evening. He walks in with a huge smile and serves chai to me and everyone else. He makes the chai special by describing how fresh and hot it is. He also makes small conversations with people around based on his small observations about them. Besides, he not only supplies chai but other snacks like biscuits, chips, etc. He is they only seller in the vicinity of my office. He often shows up outside my office looking through the glass window showing me all the products he has. One by one I either say yes or no depending on whether I want the goods or not he is showing me . I always feel happy to tell him 'Thank you' for all his services.

Looking at him makes me smile. Especially, when I am down sometimes. His happy-go-lucky nature is infectious. It always makes me wonder how does he remain so happy? Does he never have problems? The answer I guess is - that he does have problems like all of us. But I guess he chooses to not brood over them. I am sure when he looks at others working in the office receiving higher salaries he regrets not having had the opportunity to have gained formal education, and earned a different lifestyle. But I guess he accepts what he has and does his best in what he can. Maybe he consciously chooses to live each moment thoroughly and not choose pain that could be caused by comparing his life with others' lives.

I may have more than him in a materialistic sense. But he has something I don't - content and unconditional happiness. I do this sometimes - I  look at others and feel dissatisfied with myself. It is an unconscious act. But my chai wala has taught me that to be happy and content or not..in the end it is a matter of choice. :)