Alive

Alive

I am a woman

I became one when I was 7

Not because I hit puberty

But because I would get there soon

Why would you be worried about me not being one?

unless of course it was not natural for me to be woman you wanted me to be

I was fierce, I was loud

I was authentic, as much as a pound

So you put me down,

You yelled out loud  

And raised that hand

Till i bowed and bent

I was rising again

I knew it would take more to kill my spirit

As you rightly understood

You’d need to beat me black and blue

This time I bent a little more

With that strong blow

This is what it is like to be a woman, you said

Now you know ?

I was weak, you were strong

This journey went on for far too long

This seems like a crown

But it is full of thorns

I am still alive, I recalled

This means the tables will turn

And I am sure you will burn

With every little churn

Only now I learnt that my fight was not with thy

You were making me a princess that would survive

For a woman like that would not be tolerated to live

I am now just like you

I am sure that’s what you went through too

I am alive now and I am beyond the walls of protection

I am still that women before I was 7, only slightly bent

I am always on the rise

And one day there will a different roll to the dice

I know you might want to kill me

As much I want to kill your ideology

But as they say, if you kill me..

You’ll only kill a woman

The fire is ready to spread.

Like a giant wave in the ocean.

Divorces are very high in love marriages, the Bombay high court said on Monday

"Divorces are very high in love marriages", says the Bombay high court.

Wondered why love marriages don't work? In all honesty, I always thought that love marriages would work more than arranged marriages. I was surprised to hear this. But then I started to look around closely. I found a few possible answers.

We are a family oriented traditional community/society. I really like that I have been brought up in one. But, secretly all of us desire the feeling of falling in love. It is glorified in our minds through all the Bollywood movies. What we know about love is - from what we see around us. Our lives are surrounded by our families, relatives, their friends, etc. Think about it.. do you think our parents also choose who our friends are? If your parents did not like someone we are friends with? Does it affect your friendship with that individual? Think about something that had happened earlier.. what really happened?

When we fall in love.. it is always hidden and a secret. Atl least in our culture (Indian). We are not under the influence of our parents, friends, culture, caste, etc. While in love, we are willing to stretch out as much as we can for the other person to woo them and make them love us back. We don't really care. All in good time, we are not really looking at other external factors that can come in the picture. The moment marriage comes in the picture.. our families, society, culture, and conditioning all comes flashing in front of us. Now we realize that our love story now looks like a piece of a puzzle which does not fit. Parents will object, neighbours will gossip, and society will say "This marriage will not last. Have you seen the girl? She is too modern. She will break the family." When all these views are thrown at you and your family what will you really do? What did you do when your parents did not approve of a friend of yours? What you did then will probably say a lot about what you will do here too. Some understand the dynamics beforehand and will tell their lovers that they don't see this working out. You don't really fit in the puzzle. These relationships never convert into marriage. While some other will go against the family or convince them and marry their lover. In India, most of us live in joint families and we really care about what our parents think. Subconsciously we expect that our partner will now adjust and fit in your family the way it would have been in an arranged marriage set-up. Your partner, who comes from completely different background does not know much about your culture, family traditions, and values. She is still in love and does not see that her lack of knowledge will affect the love they had as a couple. She is now expected to take up all the responsibilities from your mother's hands and do a stellar job as she - after having gained about 3 decades of training. Or she is not allowed to work or she needs to dress in a certain way. She is not sure if she should give-in or strive for a change. Here, she needs to understand what her partner's stand is. She married you because she believed you will be by her side. So, where are you now? What side are you choosing? You probably chose her side and she was happy but your mother probably is not. You begin to feel guilty for disappointing your parents and somewhere you think your spouse is responsible for this and is not good enough.

We Women are Not Feminists... and That is also a Problem

The problem I feel with feminism is that it is more spoken about but less understood. When I say we do not understand this is because of the fact that patriarchal thoughts beliefs and lifestyle are deeply ingrained in our culture, thoughts and probably beliefs. It is so deep that although we know what feminism is we do not realise that we inadvertently are patriarchal in our minds. Of course, this does not hold true for everyone. Like they say - wise is the one who knows when to make an exception. The irony is that women are more patriarchal than men. They are also the carriers.

At one stage maybe she did not know any better than to accept and agree but when she had a son and a daughter - she had to make the choice again. I am not saying it's right or wrong. All I am saying that it is a choice we are making.

There are two kinds people. One who accepts and embody their conditioning - bad or good and ensure that they pass it on. The other category is the one who understands what works and does not and will ensure that the unfair things that happened to him/her will not happen to others.

There is nothing right or wrong in this, as in the end, we all take actions that enable us to survive better.

Feminism arose because there was a problem with being effeminate. It is looked down upon in women and even in men. Feminism because everyone one has equal rights. No contest. Whether you believe it, understand it, or accept it or not. Feminism because it is something we all have. 

I Don't Want to Have a Daughter

The issue of female foeticide is age-old in India. It is always an issue that is associated with other families and communities and not ours. So much is being done and so much is still needs to be done. "It is sad! Women need empowerment! They need support!" 

There is a stage that comes prior to female foeticide has taken place and that is the "preference phase". This is where the problem really lies. While I know various families who are overjoyed with the birth of a girl child, I have seen various couples who do not wish to have one. The reason is not dowry and nor is it that she is not a good investment. The reason is that they feel it is a stress to have one. Not that the daughter per se is the stress. However, the stress is involved in "letting her be". I not only hear men say this but many women don't want a daughter because they don't have the heart to have one.

I moved out of home in my early 20's. I was one of the first ones to have done so in my family. Of course, my parents were not too happy with me being on my own but they soon accepted it. They received various calls from my relatives asking about me. I am not sure if they were concerned about me.. but they did certainly worry my parents. I visited home often. People of course never stopped saying things. They had issues with the amount I was spending to travel back home. They asked my mother how she had the heart to keep me away from her sight.. they asked me to stay back at home so that I could help her with the household work. They went to ask my parents - how do you trust her to stay by herself? What if she does something wrong?

I later met those relatives here and there.. some of them said.. I am happy I don't have a daughter I would have not been as lenient as your mother and let you go. I said in my head "I am glad you don't have a daughter".