Alive

Alive

I am a woman

I became one when I was 7

Not because I hit puberty

But because I would get there soon

Why would you be worried about me not being one?

unless of course it was not natural for me to be woman you wanted me to be

I was fierce, I was loud

I was authentic, as much as a pound

So you put me down,

You yelled out loud  

And raised that hand

Till i bowed and bent

I was rising again

I knew it would take more to kill my spirit

As you rightly understood

You’d need to beat me black and blue

This time I bent a little more

With that strong blow

This is what it is like to be a woman, you said

Now you know ?

I was weak, you were strong

This journey went on for far too long

This seems like a crown

But it is full of thorns

I am still alive, I recalled

This means the tables will turn

And I am sure you will burn

With every little churn

Only now I learnt that my fight was not with thy

You were making me a princess that would survive

For a woman like that would not be tolerated to live

I am now just like you

I am sure that’s what you went through too

I am alive now and I am beyond the walls of protection

I am still that women before I was 7, only slightly bent

I am always on the rise

And one day there will a different roll to the dice

I know you might want to kill me

As much I want to kill your ideology

But as they say, if you kill me..

You’ll only kill a woman

The fire is ready to spread.

Like a giant wave in the ocean.

Divorces are very high in love marriages, the Bombay high court said on Monday

"Divorces are very high in love marriages", says the Bombay high court.

Wondered why love marriages don't work? In all honesty, I always thought that love marriages would work more than arranged marriages. I was surprised to hear this. But then I started to look around closely. I found a few possible answers.

We are a family oriented traditional community/society. I really like that I have been brought up in one. But, secretly all of us desire the feeling of falling in love. It is glorified in our minds through all the Bollywood movies. What we know about love is - from what we see around us. Our lives are surrounded by our families, relatives, their friends, etc. Think about it.. do you think our parents also choose who our friends are? If your parents did not like someone we are friends with? Does it affect your friendship with that individual? Think about something that had happened earlier.. what really happened?

When we fall in love.. it is always hidden and a secret. Atl least in our culture (Indian). We are not under the influence of our parents, friends, culture, caste, etc. While in love, we are willing to stretch out as much as we can for the other person to woo them and make them love us back. We don't really care. All in good time, we are not really looking at other external factors that can come in the picture. The moment marriage comes in the picture.. our families, society, culture, and conditioning all comes flashing in front of us. Now we realize that our love story now looks like a piece of a puzzle which does not fit. Parents will object, neighbours will gossip, and society will say "This marriage will not last. Have you seen the girl? She is too modern. She will break the family." When all these views are thrown at you and your family what will you really do? What did you do when your parents did not approve of a friend of yours? What you did then will probably say a lot about what you will do here too. Some understand the dynamics beforehand and will tell their lovers that they don't see this working out. You don't really fit in the puzzle. These relationships never convert into marriage. While some other will go against the family or convince them and marry their lover. In India, most of us live in joint families and we really care about what our parents think. Subconsciously we expect that our partner will now adjust and fit in your family the way it would have been in an arranged marriage set-up. Your partner, who comes from completely different background does not know much about your culture, family traditions, and values. She is still in love and does not see that her lack of knowledge will affect the love they had as a couple. She is now expected to take up all the responsibilities from your mother's hands and do a stellar job as she - after having gained about 3 decades of training. Or she is not allowed to work or she needs to dress in a certain way. She is not sure if she should give-in or strive for a change. Here, she needs to understand what her partner's stand is. She married you because she believed you will be by her side. So, where are you now? What side are you choosing? You probably chose her side and she was happy but your mother probably is not. You begin to feel guilty for disappointing your parents and somewhere you think your spouse is responsible for this and is not good enough.

We Women are Not Feminists... and That is also a Problem

The problem I feel with feminism is that it is more spoken about but less understood. When I say we do not understand this is because of the fact that patriarchal thoughts beliefs and lifestyle are deeply ingrained in our culture, thoughts and probably beliefs. It is so deep that although we know what feminism is we do not realise that we inadvertently are patriarchal in our minds. Of course, this does not hold true for everyone. Like they say - wise is the one who knows when to make an exception. The irony is that women are more patriarchal than men. They are also the carriers.

At one stage maybe she did not know any better than to accept and agree but when she had a son and a daughter - she had to make the choice again. I am not saying it's right or wrong. All I am saying that it is a choice we are making.

There are two kinds people. One who accepts and embody their conditioning - bad or good and ensure that they pass it on. The other category is the one who understands what works and does not and will ensure that the unfair things that happened to him/her will not happen to others.

There is nothing right or wrong in this, as in the end, we all take actions that enable us to survive better.

Feminism arose because there was a problem with being effeminate. It is looked down upon in women and even in men. Feminism because everyone one has equal rights. No contest. Whether you believe it, understand it, or accept it or not. Feminism because it is something we all have. 

I Don't Want to Have a Daughter

The issue of female foeticide is age-old in India. It is always an issue that is associated with other families and communities and not ours. So much is being done and so much is still needs to be done. "It is sad! Women need empowerment! They need support!" 

There is a stage that comes prior to female foeticide has taken place and that is the "preference phase". This is where the problem really lies. While I know various families who are overjoyed with the birth of a girl child, I have seen various couples who do not wish to have one. The reason is not dowry and nor is it that she is not a good investment. The reason is that they feel it is a stress to have one. Not that the daughter per se is the stress. However, the stress is involved in "letting her be". I not only hear men say this but many women don't want a daughter because they don't have the heart to have one.

I moved out of home in my early 20's. I was one of the first ones to have done so in my family. Of course, my parents were not too happy with me being on my own but they soon accepted it. They received various calls from my relatives asking about me. I am not sure if they were concerned about me.. but they did certainly worry my parents. I visited home often. People of course never stopped saying things. They had issues with the amount I was spending to travel back home. They asked my mother how she had the heart to keep me away from her sight.. they asked me to stay back at home so that I could help her with the household work. They went to ask my parents - how do you trust her to stay by herself? What if she does something wrong?

I later met those relatives here and there.. some of them said.. I am happy I don't have a daughter I would have not been as lenient as your mother and let you go. I said in my head "I am glad you don't have a daughter".

If Money Meant Nothing.. (Random thoughts)

Ever thought .. "What if money meant nothing?" "What would you choose to do?". It is an easy question but the answer is difficult. It is difficult because it will take some exercise for your brain to figure it out.

At first it seems like an absurd question.. just the way ''assumptions" seem in economic theories. What if there was no transportation costs? What if all the goods were homogeneous? What if all the companies were of the same size? Similarly, what if money did not really matter? To me it meant forgetting everything Economics taught me for sometime. Everything revolves around money, doesn't it? All the choices I make, the work I do? Pretty much! Wait, but economics also taught me about 'opportunity cost'. If applied  in the context of this blog it could mean choosing between something I can make money from and choosing something that can make me happy with some possibility of making a living. If it really was a choice, I would choose the latter.

So, if money did not really matter - would I quit my job? Hell yeah, I would! Not because I hate my job but because I don't love it. Although, I love the cause I work for. The cause is supposed to be for uplifting lives of the underprivileged children and women. This is a dream come true. But I don't feel fully satisfied with my job because I don't directly contribute to that goal.  I am several levels and processes away from them. I know I can do better. I generally perform better when I am intellectually as well as emotionally involved with my work.

It is still hard to imagine that money does not get me anything. But, having said that, if money does not really mean a thing.. all the things I thought earlier were as expensive are not unaffordable anymore. I will first choose to travel.. I hope I find an interesting travel partner (just the way they show in movies or even better) and head to the Andamans. I would go snorkeling and deep sea-diving. I don't find myself settled anywhere.. unless I find something that compelling. So, I keep moving. Out of all the activities I do, I enjoy dancing the most. I would want to learn dancing. The style I would choose is contemporary. It is versatile and has so much freedom. I feel it has the capacity to express any emotion just the way Sarangi does as a musical instrument. I want to push myself to its extreme to see how much it can take. I would always  want to be a learner but soon enough I would want to start teaching. I would love to push people and make them see what they are capable of. I would teach so that I can always learn. So, basically travel and dance.

Besides, I would also try my hand at other things that fascinate me.. like painting, music, films. At some point I really want to make movies.. specially for people who cannot read and write. I feel this is the quickest way to bridge the gap. It's an empowering tool to educate people about health related issues, social and cultural stigmas, etc. After all, they are more concerned about what happens in bollywood than what happens in politics (I think Mr. Modi might be an exception).

If money did not matter I would give people whatever they need (I know I sound like a pseudo politician but I really would). I would ask people what do they really want to do? What makes them happy? When they tell me their choices - I hope I can tell them that money really means nothing.

A Party with Not-A-Party Animal

I was at a friend's party recently. The party was not really for a particular occasion but it had some reason. Oh yes, it was a weekend! I had said no too many times earlier to my friend's invites that I could not say a no this time. I went there and was surrounded mostly by people I did not know. It felt strange and awkward. Everyone one else was pally - It was certain they knew each other. They all belonged to my age group.

At the outset, everyone looked friendly, and nice. However, I realized I was still uncomfortable. I was not able to make conversations with people - basically I did not know what to speak to them about - I had such a strong feeling that we have nothing in common. I was in two worlds parallelly. I was spaced out in my own thoughts and the moment that struck me I tried making small conversations with people around. I felt old in spirit. Although I am slightly shy by nature, about 5 years ago I would have reacted in a opposite way.

Anyway, so the party began. People kept pouring in. I realized that more than half the people did not know more than one person there.I was surprised to see people from various ethnicity around. Slowly people started meeting and talking to other people.  Simultaneously, whisky and vodkas were poring and EDM was catching up. I knew this party was really not my thing.. for me parties and celebrations are about being with your loved ones. I know it sounds so boring but that makes me comfortable. 

This blog is just about the observations I made there. There was something off about this party, in spirit. Like things there were happening for the  heck of it. No one was celebrating but was just there trying hard to do all the things that define a party without really meaning it. As more bottles were emptied the wilderness in the party enhanced. The only action that was happening was passing of drinks. Before you finished one the other was ready. It felt like the common language of all people who did not even speak the same language. Besides, the regular stuff - guys hitting on girls, making moves, etc was of course running in the background. This did seem normal. However, there were other things happening in the background that seemed normal too but they should have not been.

Women who were being hit-on by the men enjoyed the attention but did not like the proximity. Nonetheless, the smile on her face did not wither. The smile was a constant - whether she liked what was happening around her or not. She did not express her discomfort but instead layered it with a smile. Yes, that could be her choice also and that is exactly what I thought it was, until she not pull my hand to divert that man's attention from her to me. I wondered why she did not walk away or talk him off. I probably would do that. I pretty much had a dead mood - which meant I was bored to death and had also given up hope that it was going to get better. The man still approached her and she was still smiling. I went back. Further, in the background, people drank to a point that their inhibitions started becoming rants. One man spoke about how his mother still hits him but that he has an excellent rapport with his father. Their best father-son time is when they discuss alcohol and buy the best brands for each other. He looked at that as a compensation. Well, that is sweet! 

No one was really dancing, conversing, networking, or even drinking. It did not look like fun to me. To me it looked like a facade and a vent out. It was an opportunity to make yourself so vulnerable that one need not apologize. It was all a lie. In the end, people drunk-fought, abused friends, and said this is what true friends are for. Things were normalizing again. 

The party was over (after it felt like an eternity) I was glad I was going to be home soon. The moral of the story is that I realized I am not a party animal. Of course, there is no going back.

What Makes YOU Happy? (a personal account)

I am changing. Changing everyday. Existential questions have always occupied a considerable space in my mind. The questions like - Why are we here? What is right and wrong? Why do we feel so much pain? How can we be happy? are always sub-consciously playing on my mind.

I see that my answers to these questions have changed and evolved over time ans are still evolving. From answers like "it's god's will", to arguments like 'being a particle of god', to 'no god', to mere consciousness, and to the fact that some things are beyond our understanding. Knowing 'this' without replacing it with any other prophecies that does not agree with me is empowering. Although it is unsettling at times. My questions and answers prompt many of the decisions I take. Sometimes, I also choose to go against them. Just to remind myself to not become something I myself despise. To remind myself that maybe nothing is really right or wrong. Things just are! There is no one way to reach where you want to reach. There is no one religion, dharma, caste, or belief that can guide you to the answers or the pathway to reach your ultimate goal, except - that change is the only constant.

Many say - "all these thoughts come when you live alone - when you spend time with yourself. One must not think much. It is a waste of time. These thoughts and questions can leave you astray." I agree with them to an extent. Many of us only end up thinking and not really live in the process. However, I do believe that one must find time, and the frame of mind to be able to question things around and in the process find themselves. Also, this is not a one day process.. it may take days, months, or even years but it is worthwhile. It is worthwhile because this gives you the opportunity to be yourself, to know yourself. It helps you do things you love, meet the sort of people you like and live a life that suits your personal motivations and aims. Also, not everyone has the liberty or the fortune to be able to this or even think like this but those who can - world is your oyster.

It is very important for everyone to question - even if the answers are different - all of them. It gives us different perspectives and also teaches us to be tolerant of each other. Besides, you know it is choice you are making and that you do have the right to make one. If there is one quality I appreciate in people  - it is honesty. When they say and know they are selfish and that it makes them happy. When people say "I don't love you anymore", when people say "I need alone time", when people confess "I am not straight", or anything else. I love it that they have the courage to respect their own feelings and that they can stand for themselves. I am glad they don't put up a facade. I love that there are people who can love themselves for those are the people who can truly love others.

It is important to know what makes one happy. This shapes your priorities and also enables you to make decisions that are going to make you happy. Thus, question! I am still finding my answers but I know my journey has begun.